Loneliness is too much for me. Even if there are a million people around me, I still feel lonely and that hurts. Every time I see my friends smile with each other, it hurts. Not because I'm hurting to see them happy, it's just that, I can't possibly smile that SINCERE and true with them. I'm sorry.

I've been a terrible friend. I ignored them, isolated them, become angry at them, suppressing my feelings of them from them... I'm nothing but just a terrible friend. Never good. Never great. How in God's name do they still can tolerate with someone like me is still a wonder for me, but I just wish they would just come clean and tell me that they honestly dislike me for what I am, for I am never liked for what I am. Never. Who would actually accept me as I am? Who? No one, I tell you. Just simply no one.

Who am I to kid anyway? I can't be a psychiatrist or anything of such field. People are right. I'm useless. Worthless.

All these feelings I feel are overwhelming. It's too much for me. Too much. I don't like to spend another day crying because of self-pitying, but that's just how it is. Why do I pity myself when I see myself as a disgrace? My existence is completely not needed at all. All I ever caused is harm, sorrow, disappointment and anger.

Why am I even typing this all out in this stupid old blog? I guess this blog is one of the evidence of me being lonely and small.

Have you ever felt small, even around people who are smaller than you? Not small as in size, but small. You feel like as if you're not qualified to be in that room with them, you're not a part of society. A part of anything with anyone. You feel so small that you feel like every single time they walk, they are actually trampling you and you're left there to suffer in pain, silently and alone. They see you, but they only glare and walk away. The pain you feel physically is not as painful as the pain you feel in your heart and soul. When you get back up, they trample on you again, and you lay there hopelessly and finally give up. By the time you got back home, all you do is sit under your covers and cry, and vow to never go out again. That's how I feel when I'm with people, even with my friends. Even if they make me smile, I will always end up crying again when I'm alone.

I shouldn't be typing all this, but I have nowhere else to vent out my sadness. Life's a mess, and I'm all alone in this. Alone to suffer this unbearable pain.

I'm sorry everyone. I'm so very very sorry.

Yeah yeah yeah. Whatever.

It's the holidays, and I'm cherishing every single minute of it. I don't want to use this holiday to a waste (though I already wasted half of it by playing games). :/
What hurts the most now is that I find it hard to let go of all my anger and disappointment towards lots of things. Especially when I found all my old cards, given by my friends. Why did I hurt them? Or did I hurt them? Why did we all changed?

It hurts a lot to remember every single thing that we used to do. How I am able to talk about everything with them. But... I guess, what was done cannot be undone. I really miss my old classmates, although some of them used to hurt me very much. But that's how friendship is, right? No pain, no gain. I can't help but to feel so angry towards myself for being so stupid and reckless and well, plain stupid. At the same time, I'm disappointed that everything just changed too much.

Is it normal for a teen to feel this kind of sadness? Is it normal to feel thing angry and sad about something that happened 3 years ago? Is it normal to feel guilty about everything now, because of what had happened then? Is it just normal? Am I normal?

Lots of 'If only' circumstances images are playing in my mind, and it makes me cry. And I cry a lot. I'm not even sure whether I'm actually TRYING to move on or not. I'm not even sure about anything anymore.

Guess that's just life... :(



Pssh posh, to hell with my emotions.
For now, I will study (try to, that is) my very best to become just like Cikgu Malek and Cikgu Mariam. To help students, teens, adolescents, and whosoever it is, sincerely and wholeheartedly. Amin.

It's an interesting fact that I can score some of my exams if I really tried. And it's very interesting to know and understand that I can live life may it be alone. But it's a sad fact that when being alone, I feel so frightfully depressed and sensitive.

Every single day, as a teenager, we fight battles with our own emotions and feelings, and believe me, it can be a rough fight. It can be a massive war with ourselves too. That's just life, and that I really know of. One truth of it all is that, some teens are different than the others. That, too, is life itself. But my point here is, some teens are not the normal average teen.

I don't know whether people understand my point here, but that's just it. People DO NOT understand and they WILL lie and leave. They make promises, but those promises are just lies. Lies. Lies. Lies.

In my life, happiness is quite rare, and hard to find, but I try my very best to achieve complete happiness rather than to weep. I do admit that I cry more than I laugh, but that doesn't mean I'm ... well, I really don't want to finish that sentence of, but you get my point. To me, my happiness can't be achieved if I can't make others happy.

That's just the thing that upsets me now. No matter how hard I try, no matter how hard I try to fit in, I just can't. I just can't make people happy. I find myself to be pathetic and worthless. A simple task of making people happy, I just can't do it. Why can't I?

What I feel now is a feeling which I felt when I was 14 but more than that. It's a feeling where I can only see darkness rather than light. Trying to foresee the future, but all you see is darkness and nothingness. Nothing. Zilch. Nada. But that's just me. I don't even know what you call this 'feeling' here. Is it coming back? I really hope what I used to suffer will not come back, cause it is really horrid to feel that way. It's very painful to suffer that 'thing'. :/

Why am I typing it all out? Cause I feel so right down to the bottom of the hole down. That's why.

Really wish you're here right now. I really miss you....

And I support this.


If you don't know what it is, go search 'Orange ribbon awareness' on Google, and you'll find out. And no, this is not the Child Cancer awareness, but I do support that too. Just go search.

Toodles.

I don't want to trust. That's all. It's too painful to trust. PAINFUL.

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKKKKKKK~~~!!!!!!
Gawd. FUCKFUCKKKK. UGH! One word to describe my TRUE feelings today is TERRIBLE. I may not look like it, but what's the point of showing it anyway? PFFTTTT!!
FUCK.

Seriously. It's midnight already, and I really don't want to go to sleep. And I've lost 2 of my needles and I lost 2 pairs of scissors, and that really upsets me. :(
Someone really need to bring me to a proper craft store to really and fully cheer me up now. And I really freaking really want to buy stuff from etsy. D: Sigh.

I really don't want to sleep now, especially since I really don't want to attend school and I haven't even finish my work for the Astronomy Club. >_< It's like freaking hard and freaking pressuring. And I've been saying freaking quite a freaking lot lately. Gawd. British accent is building up in me.

GAWD! And I need to sleep, but I just don't want to. :( Oh well.

I really wish I could live somewhere else and be someone else.

Just don't. I rather smile than to tell anyone what's wrong. I don't see the point.

Anyway.. I'm so not gonna use the computer, unless needed, anymore. Well, not daily that is. Today excluded. Weekends only I guess.

Again, just don't tell me that I should talk about it or to let it all go. I had enough of having to deal with all this. Just let me be. I just don't see the point of trusting any individuals for the time being. I'm sorry, but things are just rough right now.